LIFE OF A HYPOCHONDRIAC Chapter 2: The Laundry List.

The first evidence that I had hypochondria was at the age of 6. I thought I was having a heart attack. My symptoms were severe chest pains while breathing and a pounding heart. I thought I was dying. Of course at the age of 6, death is a difficult subject to confide in your parents about, so I silently suffered. In reality, I was really suffering from anxiety caused by my hatred of daycare, mean teachers, older and stranger kids, and tiny snack time portions. Since then, I have had a laundry list of diseases and disorders some fatal, some life altering, some mildly annoying, some stranger then others. The strangest only last a moment or so, while some ailments last for weeks, months, or years.

The following is an account of every disease / disorder that I can remember self-diagnosing myself with, and a list of my symptoms and/or root of my neurosis, in alphabetical order:

AIDS - Who hasn't thought they were dying of AIDS? I grew up in the 1980's.
Alcoholism - in actuality I have anxiety and alcohol helps with this.
Arthritis - general soreness.
Body dysmorphic disorder - I am old and hideous.
Brain Tumor - headaches probably caused by dehydration, poor short term memory.
Breast Cancer - Puberty and menstruation. My thirteen year old breasts would become sore and swollen, not just cause I was on the rag, but because I would spend hours feeling for lumps.
Cervical Cancer - see breast cancer.
Colon Cancer - symptoms caused by IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and lactose intolerance, two ailments which I may or may not have, but their combination has a higher survival rate then cancer.
Chlamydia - My boyfriend at the time was not happy to hear of my possible STD contraction. Turns out I had a yeast infection, every women get one at least once. Was it worth the drama? Probably not.
Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia - I read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and I highly recommend it. Any more detail would be too much information.
Diabetes - exhaustion caused by caffeine withdraw, also over eating.
Ectopic Pregnancy - symptoms caused by menstrual cramps.
Homosexuality - Girls are pretty.
Hypochondriasis - It's a what came first scenario, the chicken or the egg.
Leukemia - I bruise easily and I actually just read the other symptoms, so I think I still might have this. Note to self: call Dr. Lutsky.
Liver Failure - actually a urinary track infection, but close.
Lyme Disease - a friend has it, therefor so do I.
Mad Hatter Disease - also know as mercury poisoning. I eat fish.
Meningitis - I was a college student, living in a dormitory. End of story.
Mitral Valve Prolapse - I drink way too much caffeine. Also, see Life of a Hypocondriac Chapter 1
Muscular Dystrophy - I have literally every symptom of this disease, it's frightening. Blurry vision, clumsiness, forgetfulness, tremors, muscle aches, etc... All of these symptoms are also symptoms of stress, aging, depression, and too much caffeine which is also the current state of my life (and probably yours). As long as my symptoms don't get worse, I'm pretending to be MS free. Also, the only way to test for this disease is by spinal tap. Once my doctor explained this to me, I was cured. It was a miracle.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - I read Devil in the Details by Jennifer Traig. I love this book.
Oral Cancer - Reasons unknown, I suppose anything is possible.
Osteoporosis - I slouch and never drink milk.
Prosopagnosia - I'm terrible with faces and sometimes only recognize people by their accessories ie: wallet, shoes etc... Does that make me a materialistic person?
Skin Cancer - I have a fair complexion and freckles.
Swine Flue - I live in the word, and I watch the news.