LIFE OF A HYPOCONDRIAC Chapter 1: We Are All Dying, Some Of Us Faster Than Others.

I visited the doctor a few weeks ago for an annual check-up. My health had been fine, but I was getting over a cold. The nurse checked my blood pressure, drew some blood, weighed me ( I have definitely gained since summer ). I lay down on the examination table, the paper sheet crinkles below me. She hooked me up to the Electrocardiogram to check my heart. I was a little uncomfortable when I lifted my sweatshirt since I lazily chose not to wear a bra that day - not thinking that I would have to expose myself to a stranger. She took her cold hands and placed sticky white electrodes all over my chest in my armpits. I closed my eyes and pretended not to mind the nudity, she brakes the tension by telling me that it was nothing she's never scene before, which makes me feel a little cheap and under appreciated.

The test begins. I'm breathing, being patient, waiting for the ECG to do it's thing. Suddenly, I feel it, a tickle in my throat....I have to cough...... it has to wait.....can it wait? The nurse notices my struggle to breath and inner decision making struggle, and assures me that it is OK to cough during the test, so I do. Damn cold and conscience. The test ends, the nurse exits.

Enter Dr. Lutsky. He feels my abdominal with his strong doctor hands, he checks my reflexes, and looks deeply into my eyes with his little light wand. Too bad he's married. What a nice Jewish doctor he is, my Mother would die and go to heaven. He sits down and looks at my file. Flips through and pulls out the ECG. The test shows that I have an enlargement of the right atrial. Why do I know this? Because it's stated on the top right corner of the results, which Dr. Lutsky waves before me. I feel my heart flutter. Does that happen all the time? I wonder. I feel a tightness in my chest. Is that a symptom of congenital heart failure? My face feels hot, it must be turning red, my hands shaky, does he notice? Can Dr. Lutsky sense that I'm about to freak!? Panic. I AM panicking.

"What does that mean, an enlarged right atrial? "Does that mean I'm going to die?" I ask the Doctor with a sharp, accusal voice (this must be his fault). "The heart is a serious matter", I explain to him knowingly. One would think I had the PHD, instead of him. Inner monologue: IT'S MY HEART! I AM DYING! I KNEW I WOULD DYE YOUNG! I'M SO RELIEVED! Dr. Lutsky told me that he must compare the results to previous tests before he can make any conclusions. He told me not to worry, he gets up and exits the room. I leave the medical office while drying my eyes, regretting that I made such a commotion. It's always embarrassing to cry in public. I really should get on a mood stabilizer. Inner monologue: I NEED TO PRINT INVITES TO MY FUNERAL! I NEED TO CHOOSE A SLIMMING BLACK DRESS! I NEED WELLBUTRIN!

I go home. I log on. I should do a little research on my condition, that is the best way to feed my hypochondria. Maybe there is a special diet that would improve my health, or a miracle, non-surgical treatment for escaping death. I Google: Abnormal ECG. Maybe I'll read something really, really terrible, that would make all my nightmares come true!

Blah, blah, blah. "Right atrial enlargement (RAE) is diagnosed by the presence of a P wave 2.5 millimeters or greater in height. The P wave often has a sharp, peaked appearance. This increased voltage is caused by hypertrophy or acute strain of right atrial tissue. The site shows a little picture of the P wave that looks like mine. I continue to read, "Causes of right atrial enlargement include COPD (DEATH!), mitral stenosis (DEATH!), mitral regurgitation (DEATH!) , or pulmonary emboli (DEATH!)

After getting lost on the Internet for several hours I considered calling my parents, the last step before a complete breakdown. Right before I reach for my phone, I came across something of interest that could possibly be a cure. It turns out there is a strict regiment to follow while having your ECG, and my "nurse" was completely unaware of that (it is so hard to find good help these days). Any movement during the ECG procedure, such as muscle tremors, shivering, coughing, even breathing could alter the results! My cough was loud and body shaking, it surely caused the irregular results. Inner Monologue: I AM GOING TO LIVE! I WILL GET FAT AND HAVE A BUNCH OF CATS! EAT FROSTING FROM THE CONTAINER.! I AM GOING TO WEAR MEN'S SHOES! SHIT!

I still feel something strange in my chest from time to time, pressure, flutters, palpitations, tightness. I figure they are the common side effects from drinking triple espressos daily while having acute anxiety. I am SO lucky that's all it is. Now where is that Wellbutrin prescription?