Friday, May 22, 2009

Boys are Dumb


Boys have a lot of annoying tendencies that makes me want to kill. For example, when they chase after me, pathetically and annoyingly, then loose interest once they get my attention. Didn't they want my attention? WTF? Wasn't that the point? What did they think would happen if they text me everyday, and compliment me all the time? And show interest in my thoughts and feelings? Did they think the results would be me hating them? Did they think I would insult them in return and wish they were dead? The ones that I really wish were dead WONT LEAVE ME ALONE! Take a hint.

Someone please explain this to me!!! Who ever gives me the best explanation gets a steak dinner. Why can't they hold up their end of the deal, EVER? Why do they want what they can't have? I am convinced that the chasers would loose interest too, if I ever gave them the time of day (which I wont).



Here is a secret for all of you boys out there. All girls are crazy, emotional messes who will eventually bore you to death, even the most beautiful ones who think you are a loser and would NEVER, EVER fuck you. Drop the fantasy. I should just become a hair pie eating lesbian. My mother wouldn't care as long as a spawn a child in the next decade. Now, I feel nauseous.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Princess of Bel Air




My home town, Bel Air, is located 30 minutes northeast of Baltimore Maryland. It's a small right winged town of about 50,000 people established in the late 1700's. The most notable person ever to come from this place is John Wilkes Booth. The town, according to the 2000 census is just under 3 square miles in size.



When my family moved to Bel Air in 1983, there was almost nothing but ma and pa stores, movie theaters, schools, fast food restaurants, grocery stores, an arcade, farms and lots and lots of cow fields. I lived in a development called Marywood II, which sat next to Marywood I. I believe the name is a VERY loose reference to Robin Hood. I lived on Westwell Lane, but there was also a Friar Tuck Drive, St. Francis Road, Yankee Doodle Drive, and Vanderbilt Road. The developers couldn't seem to keep a common theme when naming the streets other then the fact that they were Mary Men, proud to be southern and loved money, power and God. There were probably 4 or 5 architectural designs for the houses in the development. Walk around the block and you could count 8 houses like yours, all with slight variations such as the color of the aluminum siding, the size of the garage, or the presence or absence of a chimney.



Bel Air is very VERY middle class, but I have come to realize that the people who live there are unaware of this fact, as was I until I left at the age of 17 to study design in Philadelphia. The small town people of Bel Air are unaware that there are much MUCH nicer places to live. Almost every other place I have ever visited, with the exception of Las Vegas, had more appeal, including the deep south and Queens. Many of the people who live in Bel Air have never lived anywhere else. Their parents have never lived anywhere else and despite this fact, the locals were snobs (and racist). Small minded families that shopped at the Gap and belonged to the town's swim club looked down at people who shopped at K-mart and swam at Rock State Park. There were girls who's mothers ironed their coordinating outfits and there were girls who wore blue eyeshadow and hand-me-downs inspired by 90210 to their 5th grade picture.



I was the latter. I hated those other girls but still wished I could shop at The Gap. Either way, you still lived in a small 2-4 bedroom house with aluminum siding, wall to wall carpeting on a 1/4 acre of land. IN BEL AIR! There was nothing to do! Once a year, a carnival came to town. That was awesome. Also, once a year the town held it's annual Farm Fair, complete with face painting, horse rides, and inflatable castles. Other then that, families drove their vehicle, most likely a Dodge Caravan, station wagon, or Chrysler around town, to the movies, arcade, bowling alley, the snowball stand, or to the McDonalds Playroom for entertainment. Also, the Denny's was open late for rebels who like to drink caffeine after 8pm.



Today, Bel Air is so congested. The fields are gone. Betsy the cow, who had inherited the land from her owner, finally died and Harford Mall was built. The empty lot that once held the carnival was paved over to build a parking lot for Circuit City (ironically out of business now), Starbucks, Barns and Nobles, Target and a slew of other chain stores. The arcade and K-mart are gone. Now, TGI Fridays, Chilies, Red Lobster, Ruby Tuesday, Taco Bell, Apple Bee's, Outback Steak House, Lone Star Steak House, KFC have been built in it's place. New Developments have sprung up everywhere possible causing woods, old farm houses, and fields to disappear. There have been traffic light additions that make rush hour intolerable, schools are over crowded, and bars that serve sweet and weak cocktails in plastic cups have been established for the townies who have settled into their small lives. All the antique stores on Main Street have gone out of business, and the one thrift store (Goodwill) is so picked over I can NEVER find anything worth $4.99. Guess I have to go to Wal Mart for the good deals:(

I always knew that I would miss the carnival, but I never thought I would miss Bel Air, and I actually don't. However, I miss the way it used to be, before corporate America overpopulated my sleepy, racist, republican little town. And I thought it couldn't get any worse.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Left is Right


I am about to offend 90% of my readers, and I apologise in advance, however, I feel compelled to bring this subject to topic for the improvement and development of human understanding. The topic at hand is handedness, specifically the fact that left handed people are better then right handed people. I use the term "better" because I feel it is vague enough to create an element of mystery, yet it undeniably and unquestionably described left handed people in the literal sense.

To the 10% of people in the world who are left handed, this fact comes to you at no surprise, and I hope that you are comfortable that I have "outed" us. Hopefully, this will not create too many personal conflicts with your right handed friends and loved ones. I fear that with their limited cognitive ability and struggle to comprehend our naturally intuitive and sensitive nature, the right handed persons may become confused, unnecessarily competitive, fearful, and attempt to insinuate our inferiority as they have done in the past. This is how the "righty" deals with his/her feelings of inadequacy.

To the Left Handed: If a conflict occurs within your personal relationships with a righty following this announcement, take percussion. Do not make any sudden movement or speak in a loud tone. Instead be sure to encourage the right handed person, while remaining calm, to let them know that you care for them despite their prominent right hand. Also, stress that one can not choose their handedness. This will help the "righty" to understand that they are not at fault, thereby eliminating any feelings of failure and self hatred that may develop.

Exhibit #1 Notable Left Handed People (evidence of superiority)
Albert Einstein
Aristotle
Barack Obama
Pablo Picasso
Amedeus Mozart
Ludwig Van Beethoven
Benjamin Franklin
Alexander the Great
Thomas Jefferson
Bob Dylan
David Byrne
David Bowie
Robert Plant
Oprah Winfrey
Friedrich Nietzsche
M.C. Etcher
Joan of Arc
Franz Kafka
Helen Keller
Julius Caesar
Leonardo di Vinci
Bill Clinton
John F. Kennedy
H.G. Wells
Hans Christian Anderson
Jerry Seinfeld
Marilyn Monro
Paul McCartney
Bill Gates
Mark Twain
Winston Churchill
Lewis Carroll
Neil Armstrong
Buzz Aldrin
Jean-Paul Gaultier
Probably God.