Guerrilla Art Bucket List

The first time I was ever posted on a blog, it was anonymously. Last winter, I was bored. Lets face it, when it's cold, the winter hours of Brooklyn seem to drag. I did have one shinning moment in the lagging, slow-mo cold. I was with a few friends, it was the middle of the night, the streets were quiet. We created something beautiful. It was ART. We strung dozens of Garfield stuffed animals like delicate ornaments from the tower on the bridge. What else is there to do with one's beloved childhood collection. We can't very well keep them in our small city apartments? I don't even have a linen closet. The Garfields were posted on Gowanus Lounge. The next day, we read about the mysterious happening. It was my 30 minutes of fame as a Guerrilla Artist. In less then a week, the cats were gone.





I always appreciate good Guerrilla art, and I don't mean tagging your gang name on the subway or writing "Gowaanus is for lovers" with spray paint when you're drunk, I mean something smart, strange, or beautiful. I have some more ideas on the horizon for street art, one involves paperback romance novels. Here are some other Guerrilla artist's and Guerrilla art that I think is brilliant to inspire us all.





Swoon. She is a local NYC Artist which I discovered in 2004 while walking in Gowanus. Swoon creates and applies intricate paper cut outs to buildings. The portraits of friends that she creates possess hidden imagery nestled in their hair or clothing that often have political meaning. I have seen her work in the streets of Carroll Gardens, LES, The Bowery, inside the Brooklyn Museum and at Deitch Art Gallery in Soho. The piece above is located in the LES. I think it's beautiful the way her art deteriorates with time, though it lasts for several years.




Banksy, as he is know, is an English born self taught artist who also creates images by using a stencil. His work can be found either on interior or exterior walls. The subject matter of his work is satirical and ranges in topics such as culture, politics, and ethics. The image above is one of my favorites, and a good example of his work. It was created in New Orleans, after Katrina hit and is an obvious social commentary. The image below is also located in New Orleans and is adorable. Cultural Comment: Rats are scary!






Mantis created the piece to the left entitled We All Fall Down, located on Kent Street in London. I love this.











Before I die, I must do this following project. It begins by checking into any Best Western, Motel 6, Days Inn, or Holiday Inn off of I95. The cheaper and uglier the better, assuming if the hotel is ugly enough, no one will care what you're about to do to it. Pack the usual toiletries and clothes but also include pencils, sharpies, and paint. Try to pay for the room in cash, and be as anonymous as possible, maybe wear a disguise and give a fake name, because I am pretty sure this is illegal. Once checked into the hotel room, trace with a pencil around all the existing awful artwork and tacky furniture, then remove the artwork from the walls, and push the furniture aside. Fill is the tracing with art of your choice. Once dry, take a few digital snap shots, then return all furniture and art to it's original position. Leave.






I learned to knit in college but I never had a reason to dedicate time to the cause until I discovered Knitta Please, a group of folks (about 11 women soon to be 12) who aspire to cover the world in colorful sweater sleeves. This is brilliant! Never will an electrical post shiver again! Their work can be seen in exotic places such as The Great Wall of China, Paris, El Salvador, Seattle, and Harlem. Other people are doing this too, it is so contagious! For example, this tree cozy by Cleveland's Carol Hummel.

LIFE OF A HYPOCONDRIAC Chapter 1: We Are All Dying, Some Of Us Faster Than Others.

I visited the doctor a few weeks ago for an annual check-up. My health had been fine, but I was getting over a cold. The nurse checked my blood pressure, drew some blood, weighed me ( I have definitely gained since summer ). I lay down on the examination table, the paper sheet crinkles below me. She hooked me up to the Electrocardiogram to check my heart. I was a little uncomfortable when I lifted my sweatshirt since I lazily chose not to wear a bra that day - not thinking that I would have to expose myself to a stranger. She took her cold hands and placed sticky white electrodes all over my chest in my armpits. I closed my eyes and pretended not to mind the nudity, she brakes the tension by telling me that it was nothing she's never scene before, which makes me feel a little cheap and under appreciated.

The test begins. I'm breathing, being patient, waiting for the ECG to do it's thing. Suddenly, I feel it, a tickle in my throat....I have to cough...... it has to wait.....can it wait? The nurse notices my struggle to breath and inner decision making struggle, and assures me that it is OK to cough during the test, so I do. Damn cold and conscience. The test ends, the nurse exits.

Enter Dr. Lutsky. He feels my abdominal with his strong doctor hands, he checks my reflexes, and looks deeply into my eyes with his little light wand. Too bad he's married. What a nice Jewish doctor he is, my Mother would die and go to heaven. He sits down and looks at my file. Flips through and pulls out the ECG. The test shows that I have an enlargement of the right atrial. Why do I know this? Because it's stated on the top right corner of the results, which Dr. Lutsky waves before me. I feel my heart flutter. Does that happen all the time? I wonder. I feel a tightness in my chest. Is that a symptom of congenital heart failure? My face feels hot, it must be turning red, my hands shaky, does he notice? Can Dr. Lutsky sense that I'm about to freak!? Panic. I AM panicking.

"What does that mean, an enlarged right atrial? "Does that mean I'm going to die?" I ask the Doctor with a sharp, accusal voice (this must be his fault). "The heart is a serious matter", I explain to him knowingly. One would think I had the PHD, instead of him. Inner monologue: IT'S MY HEART! I AM DYING! I KNEW I WOULD DYE YOUNG! I'M SO RELIEVED! Dr. Lutsky told me that he must compare the results to previous tests before he can make any conclusions. He told me not to worry, he gets up and exits the room. I leave the medical office while drying my eyes, regretting that I made such a commotion. It's always embarrassing to cry in public. I really should get on a mood stabilizer. Inner monologue: I NEED TO PRINT INVITES TO MY FUNERAL! I NEED TO CHOOSE A SLIMMING BLACK DRESS! I NEED WELLBUTRIN!

I go home. I log on. I should do a little research on my condition, that is the best way to feed my hypochondria. Maybe there is a special diet that would improve my health, or a miracle, non-surgical treatment for escaping death. I Google: Abnormal ECG. Maybe I'll read something really, really terrible, that would make all my nightmares come true!

Blah, blah, blah. "Right atrial enlargement (RAE) is diagnosed by the presence of a P wave 2.5 millimeters or greater in height. The P wave often has a sharp, peaked appearance. This increased voltage is caused by hypertrophy or acute strain of right atrial tissue. The site shows a little picture of the P wave that looks like mine. I continue to read, "Causes of right atrial enlargement include COPD (DEATH!), mitral stenosis (DEATH!), mitral regurgitation (DEATH!) , or pulmonary emboli (DEATH!)

After getting lost on the Internet for several hours I considered calling my parents, the last step before a complete breakdown. Right before I reach for my phone, I came across something of interest that could possibly be a cure. It turns out there is a strict regiment to follow while having your ECG, and my "nurse" was completely unaware of that (it is so hard to find good help these days). Any movement during the ECG procedure, such as muscle tremors, shivering, coughing, even breathing could alter the results! My cough was loud and body shaking, it surely caused the irregular results. Inner Monologue: I AM GOING TO LIVE! I WILL GET FAT AND HAVE A BUNCH OF CATS! EAT FROSTING FROM THE CONTAINER.! I AM GOING TO WEAR MEN'S SHOES! SHIT!

I still feel something strange in my chest from time to time, pressure, flutters, palpitations, tightness. I figure they are the common side effects from drinking triple espressos daily while having acute anxiety. I am SO lucky that's all it is. Now where is that Wellbutrin prescription?

Fact: Elephants are Better then People

Animals are amazing, especially elephants. Elephants have a far more superior level of intelligence to almost any other land animal, excluding humans,*** and are compared to the Great Ape's cognitive abilities, since they are both able to use and make tools. This is partially do to their large brain mass. Elephants have many emotional and intellectuals attributes that humans, primates, and dolphins share such as self awareness, the ability to grieve, a sense of humor, compassion, mimic, play, and the ability to make art, such as self portraits. Elephants also have some cognitive abilities that even most humans don't have, such as the ability to be altruistic, or the ability to care selflessly about others.
www.happy_families_exploiting_elephants.com

*** It has never been scientifically proven that humans are smarter then elephants.





The hippocampus, the part of the brain that enables one to process emotion is 2% larger in an elephant then in humans, which make elephants emotionally superior to humans. I can understand why this would be true since most people are complete selfish assholes who only care about themselves. You know who you are.

Because elephants are emotionally sensitive, they are likely to suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which can effect an elephants quality of life. An elephant's lifespan is similar to humans, ranging from 50 - 80 years, if they live in the wild. Elephants in captivity, under emotional stress, live much shorter lives, (about 16.5 yrs. on average!) which is why elephants should not be kept in zoos. It is a sin that people continue to imprison elephants for their own entertainment. Selfish Douche Bags! They wouldn't do that to you! May the Lord in heaven strike you dead in your sleep, if you believe in that religious nonsense. Otherwise, I hope you catch something.

Freak Show

If you are interested in human anomaly as much as I am, check out these references. Enjoy!

Fedor Jeftcheive Otherwise know as The Dog-Faced Man.

Freaks Black and white classic film from 1932. Directed by Todd Browning. This film is not for the weak of heart or stomach. This film depicts real life freaks, siamese twins, dwarfs, pinheads, the worm man, a bearded lady, an armless lady. Quite a show!

Geek Love Fictional Story by Author Katherine Dunn. Perverse and entertaining.

Diane Arbus American photographer who documented, through photography, some freaky people living on the outskirt of society.

Fur: The Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus 2006. Directed by Stephen Shainberg staring Nicole Kidman and Robert Downey Jr. If you like body hair, you'll like this freaky love story.

The Mutter Museum The College of Physitians of Philadelphia. Worth a visit. Tons of Human oddities - some in jars, some behind glass - all really strange.

Myrtle Corbin The four legged lady. She had 1 husband, 2 sets of genitalia, and 5 children. You do the math.

Cheng and Eng The original Siamese Twins

The Elephant Man Film directed by David Lynch 1980, starring Anthany Hopkins, tells a story inspired by the real The Elephant Man Joseph Merrick

Beards: Should it be Socially Acceptable to Pet a Strange Man's Face?

I have this little problem. I see a beard and I want to touch. Similarly to the way most teenage boys what to touch breasts or video games. Bears in leather vests, 45 year old married professors, 25 year old folk musicians, old crazy homeless men wearing one shoe. I am guilty of staring, flirting, fantasizing, and resisting the urge to fondle their faces. There is something about this overtly masculine accomplishment that gets my attention. Maybe I take after my mother. She once told me this story of how she fell in love with my father when he had a beard, despite the fact that it smelled like vomit after he ate pizza with extra cheese. Maybe it has something to do with the first man I ever saw had a big black beard, my dad, Dr. Koplovitz. Maybe I just like lumberjacks and bikers, and bears, oh my!





Some notable beards in History:
Jesus of Nazareth "Son of God" Quite sexy Jewish boy.
Charles Darwin Brilliant and beautifully bearded.
John Lennon Martyred peace activist, musician, and founder of The Beatles.
Abraham Lincoln Emancipator of the slaves and arguably our best president, besides Obama.
The bearded lady Annie Jones Enough said.
Sarwan Singh The man who currently holds the world record for longest beard, almost 8ft long.
Delicious freak folk artist Devandra Banhart Listen to his music, it's lovely.

Lean Horse Marathon

LHM is my little brothers solo project and it's really good! Listen to his EP. If you know anything about music, you won't be disappointed. Read below what one European blogger wrote.

New Baltimore music from up North, Lean Horse Marathon is a healthy dose of lo-fidelity noise folk. LP1 EP is the debut album from this new solo artist, and you can stream it here exclusively in its entirety below. Hums, crashes and echoes of all varieties are rocked, but always tearing back to that noisey dream pop sound which one can't resist. The EP as a whole sounds like if Elliott Smith and Bradford Cox had joined the Microphones to record, and Panda Bear's laptop treatment got involved somewhere in the process. Not to mention, Skinny Pony Race clearly has a ton of influences locally. Internationally, Lean Horse Marathon just got signed to Netherlands label Rack and Ruin, who will be releasing the EP online. Stream the whole thing below, and look for another album in the coming months.

The $8,000 Omelet: Why I Should Sell my Eggs. OR: The Reasons I Choose to Spread My Insanity onto Unassuming Victims for Money.

There are about 600 little boxes waiting for a check. One box will determine the color of my hair (medium brown) One box will determine my height (5'3"). One box will answer the question "Do you have a history of heart disease in your immediate family?" Another will answer the question, "Is there a history of suicide in your family?" A history of Depression?

The Egg Donner Application is about half an inch thick. If it were W Magazine, I would have thumbed through it with some commitment, at leased until the March issue arrived in my mailbox before tossing it aside. Not unlike a frivolous fashion publication, the application is sitting in my bedroom, collecting dust, half read, corners dog eared, intended to sell you. The difference, instead of reading the publication cover to cover like a 16 year old anorexic, I am giving away my subscription to a rich, Jewish girl in Connecticut, wearing a big diamond on her left hand. She can afford Gucci.

Filling out the application is less like a job interview and more like being on a blind date that could potentially pay your rent for a year. Harold so and so the third, PHD, from some blue blood family - likes to ski, play tennis, drive fast and expensive cars, has perfect teeth. What am I doing here with him? How did this happen and how do I not crash and burn? How long can I keep him interested with silly flirty small talk and inappropriate jokes? One date, maybe two, if the lighting is good. What can I say to paint a pretty picture? My hobbies? Uhmmm.... I like art (obviously). Oh, I like to eat (who doesn't), I enjoy thrift stores (and trash picking). Also diagnosing myself with rare and fatal neurological disorders. It's like collecting baseball cards I tell him; MS got it! want it! need it! Not even a smile. Maybe I'll keep that detail to myself, despite the fact that I spend many glorious sunny Sunday afternoons inside, on the couch, reading Healthline.com, the quick and easy way to diagnose any and all of your symptoms. What else, maybe you do this too.... wallow in heartbreak, and I mean for years. I love to do this! Holding grudges? Sleeping all day? Drinking too much whiskey and throwing up dinner from the back seat of a cab? Throwing up dinner? Do I like sports? Regretfully, no, unless you count thumb wrestling or one night stands.

Now for some questions on the Egg Donner Application that would never come up on a blind date. Have you ever been exposed to any harmful chemicals? A little bit, but only every day for 2 years and the label said they only cause birth defects in California. Attention Deficit Disorder? What did you just ask me? Do you suffer from depression? Uh, sometimes? Do you have a history of suicide in your immediate family? Beat........eyes look to the side, No? Have you had more then 2 sexual partners in the past 8 months? What month is it?

Why do I want to donate my eggs? I can think of 8,000 reasons and the very last one being because I want to help a couple conceive. Please read my application, dotted with white-out and misspelled words. Fall in love with my profile, I command you! I will spawn you the perfect child! And you will pay me! Sure, there is a risk of complication on my part - bloating, mood swings, infertility, increased risk of cancer, infection, weight gain from the hormones that they will pump into my womb (the very worst of all the side effects). I know, I don't have health insurance but I already have at least half of these symptoms, and I expect the rest before I die anyway. You will have risks too. You will unknowingly give birth to a small, Jewy, ADD ridden, manic depressive baby with pretty blue eyes, who hates to do math. But $8,000! Do you know how any purses and pairs of shoes I can buy with that money? How many whiskey's at Freemans? Do you know how many concert tickets? Do you know how many months I can live in Brooklyn without becoming a homeless, crack addicted prostitute!?! Like, 3!!! Raise my baby!