LIFE OF A HYPOCHONDRIAC Chapter 2: The Laundry List.

The first evidence that I had hypochondria was at the age of 6. I thought I was having a heart attack. My symptoms were severe chest pains while breathing and a pounding heart. I thought I was dying. Of course at the age of 6, death is a difficult subject to confide in your parents about, so I silently suffered. In reality, I was really suffering from anxiety caused by my hatred of daycare, mean teachers, older and stranger kids, and tiny snack time portions. Since then, I have had a laundry list of diseases and disorders some fatal, some life altering, some mildly annoying, some stranger then others. The strangest only last a moment or so, while some ailments last for weeks, months, or years.

The following is an account of every disease / disorder that I can remember self-diagnosing myself with, and a list of my symptoms and/or root of my neurosis, in alphabetical order:

AIDS - Who hasn't thought they were dying of AIDS? I grew up in the 1980's.
Alcoholism - in actuality I have anxiety and alcohol helps with this.
Arthritis - general soreness.
Body dysmorphic disorder - I am old and hideous.
Brain Tumor - headaches probably caused by dehydration, poor short term memory.
Breast Cancer - Puberty and menstruation. My thirteen year old breasts would become sore and swollen, not just cause I was on the rag, but because I would spend hours feeling for lumps.
Cervical Cancer - see breast cancer.
Colon Cancer - symptoms caused by IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and lactose intolerance, two ailments which I may or may not have, but their combination has a higher survival rate then cancer.
Chlamydia - My boyfriend at the time was not happy to hear of my possible STD contraction. Turns out I had a yeast infection, every women get one at least once. Was it worth the drama? Probably not.
Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia - I read Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides and I highly recommend it. Any more detail would be too much information.
Diabetes - exhaustion caused by caffeine withdraw, also over eating.
Ectopic Pregnancy - symptoms caused by menstrual cramps.
Homosexuality - Girls are pretty.
Hypochondriasis - It's a what came first scenario, the chicken or the egg.
Leukemia - I bruise easily and I actually just read the other symptoms, so I think I still might have this. Note to self: call Dr. Lutsky.
Liver Failure - actually a urinary track infection, but close.
Lyme Disease - a friend has it, therefor so do I.
Mad Hatter Disease - also know as mercury poisoning. I eat fish.
Meningitis - I was a college student, living in a dormitory. End of story.
Mitral Valve Prolapse - I drink way too much caffeine. Also, see Life of a Hypocondriac Chapter 1
Muscular Dystrophy - I have literally every symptom of this disease, it's frightening. Blurry vision, clumsiness, forgetfulness, tremors, muscle aches, etc... All of these symptoms are also symptoms of stress, aging, depression, and too much caffeine which is also the current state of my life (and probably yours). As long as my symptoms don't get worse, I'm pretending to be MS free. Also, the only way to test for this disease is by spinal tap. Once my doctor explained this to me, I was cured. It was a miracle.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - I read Devil in the Details by Jennifer Traig. I love this book.
Oral Cancer - Reasons unknown, I suppose anything is possible.
Osteoporosis - I slouch and never drink milk.
Prosopagnosia - I'm terrible with faces and sometimes only recognize people by their accessories ie: wallet, shoes etc... Does that make me a materialistic person?
Skin Cancer - I have a fair complexion and freckles.
Swine Flue - I live in the word, and I watch the news.

The Correlation Between Buddhism and Clinical Depression

I am not a spiritual person. Culturally, I am Jewish, but I grew up only around Christian kids, and they thought that I was going to hell for not believing in Christ. Needless to say, there is a lot about Judaism that didn't really stick with me. I still love lox and cream cheese, Woody Allen, complaining, and imagining that I have a degenerative neurological disorder. This is the depth of my Jewish faith. Ultimately, I am agnostic because saying I am atheist is as big of an assumption as saying that the earth was created in 6 days. Even so, I have a gut feeling that there isn't a higher being, and all this existence stuff happened coincidentally due to nice weather, which usually makes or brakes most things anyway.



Unlike some non-religious people, I am very tolerant of other people's views and religious traditions. I think it's cute when boys go to Church on Sunday ( this is not ideal ). In my mind they still believe in fairy tales, with an innocent naivete. No matter how ridiculous it is to not eating bacon, or how completely moronic it is to celebrate an egg-laying bunny, people have the right to practice their beliefs without being ridiculed. It's a shame that the world isn't more accepting of the various conflicting religious views that exist, many wars could have been avoided, many lives spared, many boring and pointless arguments omitted.


I have been thinking about Buddhism recently . It's my religious flavor of the day. I think this is because I'm depressed. The definition of the Middle Way (the journey to enlightenment) is emptiness, and there is a point of depression that is very zen, when one is completely empty, and therefore suffering ends. I feel that all monks must be depressed too. Why else would anyone wear the same thing every day? Buddhism is ideal for people who are disenchanted with their lives, and have basically given up on certain goals and expectations that they once had in their youth.


The aspect of Buddhism that attracts me is that very little of the religion (or philosophy) has to do with an external higher being / bearded man (which is strange because I love beards) and more to do with one's inner being. It's a little narcissistic in that sense. I like practicing Buddhism when depressed because it can be done in isolation, without structure, bibles, gift giving, community, or effort. Buddhism is really just a point of view, and that view is not caring about anything anymore, to the point of complete apathy, and therefore being free of desire, other than the desire to go to the beach and drink whiskey, which is actually a need. Buddhism is really the perfect religion.