The $8,000 Omelet: Why I Should Sell my Eggs. OR: The Reasons I Choose to Spread My Insanity onto Unassuming Victims for Money.

There are about 600 little boxes waiting for a check. One box will determine the color of my hair (medium brown) One box will determine my height (5'3"). One box will answer the question "Do you have a history of heart disease in your immediate family?" Another will answer the question, "Is there a history of suicide in your family?" A history of Depression?

The Egg Donner Application is about half an inch thick. If it were W Magazine, I would have thumbed through it with some commitment, at leased until the March issue arrived in my mailbox before tossing it aside. Not unlike a frivolous fashion publication, the application is sitting in my bedroom, collecting dust, half read, corners dog eared, intended to sell you. The difference, instead of reading the publication cover to cover like a 16 year old anorexic, I am giving away my subscription to a rich, Jewish girl in Connecticut, wearing a big diamond on her left hand. She can afford Gucci.

Filling out the application is less like a job interview and more like being on a blind date that could potentially pay your rent for a year. Harold so and so the third, PHD, from some blue blood family - likes to ski, play tennis, drive fast and expensive cars, has perfect teeth. What am I doing here with him? How did this happen and how do I not crash and burn? How long can I keep him interested with silly flirty small talk and inappropriate jokes? One date, maybe two, if the lighting is good. What can I say to paint a pretty picture? My hobbies? Uhmmm.... I like art (obviously). Oh, I like to eat (who doesn't), I enjoy thrift stores (and trash picking). Also diagnosing myself with rare and fatal neurological disorders. It's like collecting baseball cards I tell him; MS got it! want it! need it! Not even a smile. Maybe I'll keep that detail to myself, despite the fact that I spend many glorious sunny Sunday afternoons inside, on the couch, reading Healthline.com, the quick and easy way to diagnose any and all of your symptoms. What else, maybe you do this too.... wallow in heartbreak, and I mean for years. I love to do this! Holding grudges? Sleeping all day? Drinking too much whiskey and throwing up dinner from the back seat of a cab? Throwing up dinner? Do I like sports? Regretfully, no, unless you count thumb wrestling or one night stands.

Now for some questions on the Egg Donner Application that would never come up on a blind date. Have you ever been exposed to any harmful chemicals? A little bit, but only every day for 2 years and the label said they only cause birth defects in California. Attention Deficit Disorder? What did you just ask me? Do you suffer from depression? Uh, sometimes? Do you have a history of suicide in your immediate family? Beat........eyes look to the side, No? Have you had more then 2 sexual partners in the past 8 months? What month is it?

Why do I want to donate my eggs? I can think of 8,000 reasons and the very last one being because I want to help a couple conceive. Please read my application, dotted with white-out and misspelled words. Fall in love with my profile, I command you! I will spawn you the perfect child! And you will pay me! Sure, there is a risk of complication on my part - bloating, mood swings, infertility, increased risk of cancer, infection, weight gain from the hormones that they will pump into my womb (the very worst of all the side effects). I know, I don't have health insurance but I already have at least half of these symptoms, and I expect the rest before I die anyway. You will have risks too. You will unknowingly give birth to a small, Jewy, ADD ridden, manic depressive baby with pretty blue eyes, who hates to do math. But $8,000! Do you know how any purses and pairs of shoes I can buy with that money? How many whiskey's at Freemans? Do you know how many concert tickets? Do you know how many months I can live in Brooklyn without becoming a homeless, crack addicted prostitute!?! Like, 3!!! Raise my baby!